


When I Loved You

by IvanW



Series: Stand-Alone Stories [65]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Adventure, Angst, Friendship/Love, Interfering Aliens, KidJim, M/M, Missions Gone Wrong, Mutual Pining, Planetary Disasters, Pre-Slash, Romance, Slash, Stranded, Survival, Wild animals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-21 20:39:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 20,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13748829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: After a disastrous mission, Jim finds himself alone. And Spock finds that his captain is...gone.





	1. Comfortably Numb

“So about Valentine’s Day.”

Jim paused his spoon as it was on its way to his mouth filled with what passed for clam chowder on the ship. He frowned. “What about it?” And then he placed the chowder laden spoon into his mouth.

He was on the briefest of breaks from the bridge. He had fifteen minutes to grab some lunch, said chowder, and chat with his bestie, Bones. Who was now the one bringing up the dreaded subject of that day of red hearts.

“Are we doing it?” Bones asked. For his own lunch, Bones had chosen some fruit parfait thing. The fruit was unnaturally colored, super neon green and orange and red.

Jim put his spoon down and leaned back in his chair. “Did you want to?”

“Well.” Bones shrugged. “It’s kind of expected, isn’t it?”

“Is it?” Jim sighed. Tapped his fingers on the table. “I’ve never, um, well, I haven’t been in that sort of relationship with anyone before, that they’d expect, you know, something. What exactly do you want?”

Bones stared at him, eyes wide for a second, but then he narrowed them when he caught Jim’s slight grin. “Not _me and you_ , you dope. The ship.”

“Thank God,” Jim said, his smile widening. “For a minute there I thought there had been a change in our relationship I was unaware of.”

“Funny. You’re a real comedian.”

Jim shook his head and leaned back toward the table and scooped up more soup. “Valentine’s Day? Didn’t we just finish Christmas?”

“Almost two months ago.”

“Still. Is that a thing? Even now?”

Bones nodded and finished off the weird fruit in his parfait. “Especially now. You have to keep the morale up, Jim. We’ve been in deep space for—”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. What do you have in mind?”

“Christine wants to have a Valentine’s Day Dance.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “I should have known this was her idea. Ugh. A dance? Really?”

“Yes, really. Crew members can ask each other to the dance. Their Valentine.”

“You’re seriously going to make me throw up,” Jim said, somewhat nastily, he admitted. To himself anyway. “Fine. But she’s planning it. I want no part of all that.”

“Jim—”

“No way, Bones. Put it out there that I am _not_ participating. I’ve sanctioned it and that’s enough. If I take part, there are two scenarios I can see, and neither of which I want anything to do with.”

“Yeah, and what are those?”

“One, a bunch of crew members will ask me because they think taking their captain will get them somewhere, or two, _no one_ will ask me, because either they think someone else did, they are intimidated or they don’t like me, and I’ll be some wallflower on the side of the room. No thanks.”

“Everyone likes you, Jim.”

“No one is universally liked, Bones,” Jim assured him. “Leave me out of the whole sorry mess.” He pushed back from the table. “And now I have to get back to the bridge.”

As he rose he spotted Spock having lunch with Uhura in the corner of the mess.  She was holding two of his fingers and smiling gently at him. Jim turned away.

“See you later, Bones.”

****

When Valentine’s Day arrived, Jim did his best to ignore the excited squeals of his bridge crew. He hadn’t failed to notice that Chekov came to his post that morning to a big red heart shaped box of candy and a red rose waiting for him. He’d also spotted his first officer opening a card and saw Uhura practically bouncing in her chair at her position.

He just found it annoying because it was just stupid nonsense, Jim told himself. A made up day to force romantic declarations on a specific day, to make people give things they otherwise might not give, and to make those without romantic attachments to feel left out.

About the middle of his shift, he spotted Uhura return from her lunch break to a small red velvet jewelry box on her chair. It was, of course, ring-sized. But he supposed anything could have been in it. Earrings. A necklace. A bar of soap. Okay, not that but whatever.

He turned his gaze firmly away and to the screen in front of him. Jim reminded himself he was comfortably numb. It was something he had to remind himself of from time to time. Not as often these days as it once had been. There’d been a time when he’d wished for the comfort of being numb. And it hadn’t come. But now. Yes. He had it now.

It took a moment for him to realize that Yeoman Rand was standing next to his chair, speaking.

Jim blinked and made himself focus on her. He smiled. “Yes, Yeoman?”

“Your coffee, sir.” She carried a tray and she handed him the cup. Then she handed him a plate of pink heart shaped cookies.

Jim frowned. “I didn’t order these.”

She smiled. “I know, Captain. They’re a Valentine’s gift.”

“From who?”

“The bridge crew,” Rand said. “These aren’t replicated, sir. They were obtained from a bakery on Space Station, Elema.”

“Oh.” Jim stared down at the cookies. “Okay. Thanks. Um. Thank you everybody.” He felt a little embarrassed and awkward which wasn’t at all normal for him, but he kept his gaze down as Rand moved away.

He tried a cookie and realized it was pretty tasty and then before he knew it he looked down at his plate and realized he’d eaten all of them. Six cookies. He could feel his face heating and he shoved the plate down the side of his chair to get rid of it as he took a quick sip of his coffee and tried not to wince at the way it scalded his tongue. He had a feeling Spock was looking in his direction, but he didn’t dare turn his head to see.

“Status report, Mister Sulu?”

“Maintaining orbit, Captain.”

Jim nodded and went back to pretending this was an ordinary day and not one he couldn’t wait to be over.

From his quarters later, he heard the commotion in the corridors as his crew prepared to go to the dance. It gave him something of a headache, but as Bones said, it was good for the crew. He didn’t want anyone going stir crazy.

Funny thing was Bones had already brought up the idea of a ship-wide Easter Egg Hunt and Jim had given him the side-eye on that one. Bones mumbled something about he’d work on Jim about it. Generally that meant lots of alcohol.

Jim had been somewhat relieved and somewhat disappointed to find no boxes of candy, no flowers (he was allergic to a lot of them), no cards, no Valentine of any kind in his quarters after shift. He had said he wanted no part of it and so his crew had taken him at his word, he supposed. But he’d sort of secretly wondered if _someone_ would leave him something anyway. No one had. Which firmed up his idea that yes, Valentine’s Day sucked.

He did some reports but eventually he grew bored and restless and made his way up to the Observation Deck. He stood there for a good ten minutes alone before he heard someone enter the room where he watched the stars.

“Captain?”

“Hello Spock.”

Jim wondered briefly how Spock had known where to look but then he knew logically Spock would have simply asked the computer for his location.

“You do not participate in the festivities,” Spock said, as he came to stand beside Jim.

“No, I’m not really someone who cares about Valentine’s Day. It seems designed to make those without someone to feel even worse about their situation. And if you love someone do you really need a day where you have to prove it to others? Seems like it’s all about showing off for others to see.” Jim snorted. “Guess I’m a little cynical. I’ve always disliked this day.”

“You do make some valid points.”

“When I was just a kid I spent the weeks after Christmas designing this big red heart for this girl I liked at school, you know? I made it really elaborate with paint and glitter, even sequins. God, I worked so hard on it.” He scoffed.

“What happened?” Spock asked softly.

“Can’t you guess? She laughed and tore it up. I had…some skin trouble then. Pretty bad acne. She laughed, tore it up, and said I was the last person she’d want as her Valentine.”

Spock did not reply for a long time and when he did it was in a near whisper, “I am sorry.”

“Yeah.” Jim laughed. “Just childhood baggage. It’s nothing, really. But I’ve hated this damn day ever since.” Jim glanced at Spock. “Thanks for the cookies. They were good.”

Spock hesitated and then said, “It was not my idea.”

“I figured,” Jim said with a smile. “Can’t imagine you coming up with the ‘let’s send the captain cookies’ notion. But anyway, it was nice. Unexpected. I still hate the day though.” Jim turned back to the stars. “Anyway, shouldn’t you be at the dance with Uhura?”

After a slight pause, Spock said, “Yes. I will take my leave then.”

“Goodnight, Spock.”

“Goodnight, Captain.”

He didn’t watch Spock leave and he spent another twenty minutes there before he finally returned to his quarters. There were more reports he should probably be doing, but instead he got undressed, put his pajama bottoms on and tank top, and went to bed.

****

Jim used to look forward to shore leave, but this one had been a struggle. At the last minute he had tried to back out of going himself, but Bones went on about his mental health and needing to recharge and all that so Jim had gone.

He’d spent three days and nights with a beautiful red-head who’d reminded him of Gaila from his academy days. She hadn’t been Orion or anything but she’d had the same care-free attitude. She’d been fun and a good sexual partner, so in the end, Jim guessed he had enjoyed his shore leave.

He ran into Bones as they both prepared to return to the ship.

“There you are,” Bones greeted him. “How’d it go?”

“Fine.”

“Just fine? I saw you with that girl. What was her name?”

“Rita,” Jim supplied. “She’s a commander from the Excelsior.”

Bones stepped up onto the transport pad next to Jim. “But just fine, huh?”

Jim nodded.

They reappeared on the Enterprise and Jim stepped off the transporter.

“Welcome aboard, Captain,” Scotty said from behind the controls.

“Status report?”

“Everything’s normal, sir. Mister Spock returned a few hours ago and is on the bridge.”

“Thank you, Mister Scott.”

Bones followed him out of the transporter room. “You know you’re due for—”

“Bones.”

“Okay, fine, I’ll put it off. Next month though.”

With a weary nod, Jim got into the turbolift and made his way to the officers’ deck. When he reached his quarters, he noticed Uhura by the door of her own and she looked like she had been crying. Quite the contrast of a few days before on Valentine’s Day. He wondered if he should ask her if she was okay or if he should mind his own business. He watched as she attempted to punch in her access code twice without success.

Jim mentally sighed and walked down the corridor. “Are you okay, Lieutenant?”

For several heartbeats she didn’t look at him, but then she did, her eyes shiny. “I’ll be all right, Captain.”

“If there’s anything I can do…” He let the sentence trail off and then turned to return to his own door.

“Captain.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m-I’m considering asking for a transfer.”

“What?” Jim frowned and walked back closer to her. “Why? Are you unhappy here?”

“No.” She shook her head. “At least I wasn’t.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest defensively and leaned against the wall. “I may as well tell you as I am sure it will be all over the ship in no time. Spock and I broke up on shore leave.”

Jim opened his mouth then shut it.

“For good this time,” she said softly, her voice cracking just a little. “We want different things. We each see a different future and they don’t go together.”

“I’m really sorry,” Jim told her. “But I’d hate to lose you. Can you give it some time? See how you feel after, I don’t know, a few weeks?”

“Maybe,” she replied. “I’ll think about it.”

“Okay. If you need some time off—”

“I don’t,” she said quickly. “Working helps keep my mind off things.”

He nodded. “Let me know if you do need anything.”

“Yes, sir.”

Jim returned to his quarters’ door and entered. He did feel bad for her. He knew how much she had always loved Spock. They’d been trying for years to make things work between them and it never quite did. He was kind of surprised they hadn’t broken up for good before. More than once she’d told Jim that Spock was emotionally unavailable. Bones had told him about how they had broken up just before Altamid, but those very events on Altamid had caused them to reconcile and things had seemed okay.

He’d feared…no. That was not right. Stop it, Jim. He’d thought that the little red box on Valentine’s Day was a symbol of greater commitment between them. Apparently not.

Jim removed his shore leave clothes and got into his shower, opting for a really hot water shower to help with his too stiff muscles.

When he got out he dressed in sweats and a soft gray t-shirt as he didn’t have to be on shift until the morning. He got some chicken tenderloins out of the replicator and then picked up his communicator.

“Kirk to Spock.”

“Spock here, Captain.”

“Listen, if you aren’t busy after your shift is through, you want a game of chess or something?” They’d play a few times. Not a lot. But a time or two. Jim wasn’t as good as he once was. He was a bit rusty. But he figured he was good enough to still give Spock a little bit of a run for his money.

Spock did not reply for so long that Jim was certain he was going to reject the invitation and it was on the tip of Jim’s tongue to rescind it before he got the chance.

“Very well,” Spock replied, finally, without a lot of enthusiasm.

“If you’d rather not—”

“I will be there in fifteen minutes,” Spock cut him off. “Spock out.”

He actually made it in fourteen minutes and after Spock secured himself tea, they sat down to play.

Jim wasn’t sure he should ask Spock about Uhura. Spock guarded his private life very carefully. And yet, it felt huge, and like something Jim should discuss with him.

Spock’s gaze rose from the chess set, and he quirked a brow. “You are staring.”

“Uhura said she might transfer,” Jim blurted out.

“Affirmative. She did mention the possibility to me as well.”

Jim licked his lips. “Um. How-how do you feel about that?”

“I hope, of course, that it is not necessary,” Spock said.

“Are you, um, you know…” He trailed off again. These kinds of conversations were really not his forte. He grappled for a good term. “Emotionally compromised.”

At Spock’s closed off expression, Jim thought perhaps he had chosen badly. But Spock answered, nevertheless. “I am not.”

He wanted to ask for details, but details were not the kinds of things that Spock would be interested in sharing, Jim knew that much.

“I was somewhat surprised at her dalliance.”

Jim blinked as his heart beat fast in his chest. “Her-her what?”

Spock looked away, spots of color appearing on his cheeks. “I should not speak of this.”

“No. Wait. What? Spock, you can tell me. I won’t say _anything_.”

“While on shore leave, we had a verbal disagreement and separated for the night. In the morning I discovered Nyota in a compromising position with a female from the planet’s native species,” Spock said quietly. “They had spent the night together.”

Never in a million years had Jim expected to hear that she had-that they had…his mind couldn’t catch up.

“It was then that we mutually decided that our relationship would no longer work.” Spock shook his head. “Forgiveness was immediate. I knew that she had been upset about our discussion the night before. I did not blame her for seeking companionship given that discussion and its ramifications. But finding her with the native led to further discussion about our future and the implausibility of it given how far apart we had grown.”

“I-I see. I’m sorry, Spock.”

Spock inclined his head. “I appreciate the sentiment, Captain. But if you do not mind, I would rather not discuss it further at this point.”

“Of course.”

“I also ask for your discretion as I am certain Nyota would prefer the circumstances not come out to the crew.”

“I understand. And as I said, I won’t say a word.”

“Even to Doctor McCoy.”

Jim nodded. “I get it. And I won’t.”

Privately he wondered if there had been other indiscretions involved in their ongoing relationship but Jim knew he was already pushing his luck and anyway it was absolutely not his business.

He’d heard a rumor once, years ago, that they were not always exclusive, but Jim had ignored it as just silly ship’s gossip. Now, of course, he did wonder. Though such behavior seemed a bit out of character for Spock.

Besides, none of that mattered to his friendship to Spock.

“If you ever need to talk or anything,” Jim said instead, “I’m always here.”

“Appreciated, Captain.”

And that was that.

The conversation lagged then and ten minutes later, Spock declared, “Checkmate.”

Jim did not suggest a second game and Spock left to go to his own quarters. It was then he was beeped with an incoming message from his mother. He really didn’t want to talk to her because he always ended up having a headache afterward. But he sighed and hit accept.

“Hi Mom.”

Over the years his relationship with her had improved. Mostly because, he supposed, he was easier to deal with as an adult than as a child, though she never really said so. Jim knew that early on in her marriage to George Kirk that she had been loving life with her husband and son, Sam, and had greatly looked forward to the birth of their second child, him. Of course that had all changed and she was left with two small sons and no George.

“What’s wrong?” she asked as soon as she looked at him.

“Nothing.”

She rolled her eyes. “Don’t give me that. You’re not eating and sleeping. Didn’t you just come back from shore leave?”

“Yes, which is why—”

“They’re working you too hard,” she declared. “You look gaunt. When did you last eat?”

Jim was used to this, really. Her concern for his eating hadn’t ever gone away since he came back from Tarsus IV.

“I had some chicken just a few hours ago.”

“Get something now while we’re talking.”

“I don’t need my mother to tell me when to eat.”

She raised both eyebrows.

“Fine.” He blew out a frustrated breath. “Be right back.”

He chose some chocolate pudding and a coffee and brought it back to his desk.

“That’s it?”

“It’s enough,” Jim assured her.

“Did you get _any_ sleep on this shore leave of yours?”

“Sure.”

“Sure.” His mother shook her head. “Nightmares?”

“Mom, let it go. I sleep.”

“You need someone to sleep with you. You always do better when someone’s with you.” She made a tsking sound. “If you’d settle down with a nice someone then I wouldn’t have to worry.”

“I’ve settled down with my ship.”

“Not the same.”

“But there’s less arguing.” He smiled.

“What about—”

“Mom.”

She grimaced but closed her mouth. “I heard from Sam.”

Jim stabbed at his pudding. “Yeah?”

“Don’t give me that look.”

“I’m looking at my pudding not you.”

“He _is_ your brother.”

“Says who?”

“DNA.”

His gaze rose to meet hers, blue meeting blue. “Pretty much meaningless, isn’t it? So? What’s up with him?”

“He got married to that girl.”

“Aurelan?”

“Uh-huh.”

“She’s too good for him.”

“James Tiberius.”

Jim sighed and stuck a huge mouthful of chocolate pudding into his mouth. He shrugged.

“They’re stationed on Deneva now,” she continued. “I might go visit.”

“You should,” Jim said, and he thought he meant it even. “He’d probably like that.”

“Too bad you can’t come with me.”

“Yeah, too bad.”

She narrowed her eyes. “You could at least try.”

“I am trying.”

She leaned toward the screen and put on little old-fashioned spectacles. “This is you trying? The dark circles are back. How are you feeling?”

“All right.”

“That stuff we aren’t supposed to talk about doesn’t seem to have done you much good,” she said softly. “I thought you’d be stronger or wouldn’t age as much. Something. But I see gray in your hair.”

“You really know how to make a guy feel great, Mom.” He finished the pudding he hadn’t really wanted and moved on to the bitter, nasty coffee of the ship.

“I’m worried about you, Jim.”

“Don’t be,” he told her.

“You’re my son.”

As if that was all it took, and maybe it was. For her anyway.

She looked off screen then and nodded. “I have to go. But I’ll contact you soon.”

“Let me know if you decide to go to Deneva. At least I’ll know where you are if nothing else,” Jim said.

“I will. And Jim. Try to take care of yourself a little better, okay?”

Jim smiled. Didn’t matter if it was forced. She’d never know. “Will do. Bye, Mom.”

And she faded away.  

Jim wanted to do…something. But he really couldn’t think of what or with who, so in the end he just got undressed and went to bed.

His sleep was disturbed by dreams causing him to wake up with his heart racing three times. Their frightfulness went away almost as soon as he woke up crying out. He tried to recall them but they alluded him. After the third time, Jim got up and dressed and left his quarters, unsettled. He paused at the door to Spock’s quarters but heard low murmurs within and so he kept on walking until he reached the ship’s fitness center. He worked out for hours but still could not rid himself of the unease caused by unremembered dreams.

****

Three weeks had passed since his conversation with his mother. Three weeks since Uhura had told him that she and Spock were finished.

A week ago, she had come to Jim and told him that she wouldn’t be requesting a transfer after all. The Enterprise was her home and the crew her family and though she was sad that her future would not be with Spock, they were working their way toward being better friends than lovers.

And indeed, since that conversation, he’d seen them together in the mess and rec rooms. While they hadn’t looked exactly comfortable, they hadn’t looked uncomfortable either.

Ship’s rumor was that Uhura might be seeing someone else onboard though Jim had not seen any evidence of that. Jim was often oblivious about that sort of thing, though, so it was possible it might be true.

Jim hadn’t invited Spock for another chess game either. He’d gotten the impression from the last one that Spock hadn’t really wanted to play and since he’d left after only one game, Jim had not pressed for more.

They were starting to act the way they had just before Altamid again. Little more than strangers. Perhaps that was unfair. More like co-workers.  Jim had a feeling that hadn’t been the friendship the other Spock had alluded to and Jim had once thought he and this Spock might have at one point. After Khan. But that had never truly materialized as Spock spent most of his personal time with Uhura. At least until their separation. First before Altamid and now again, well, three weeks ago.

Jim spent most of his personal time either alone or with Bones. But Bones often was too busy with medical stuff to keep Jim company. Still he’d managed not to reach the dangerous level of ennui he had before Yorktown. He counted that as a win.

Still he couldn’t help but wish for some really phenomenal planet to tackle. And so when he was informed there was a life sustaining M-Class planet he was to check out, Jim jumped at the chance.

“There is a little unstable seismic activity, Captain,” Sulu informed Jim as they entered the transporter room.

“Anything serious?”

“No, sir. Just minor tremors. A scan of the planet doesn’t show any history of large sized earthquakes.”

“Good, then—”

“Still it might be wise for you to stay on board the ship, Captain,” Spock spoke up from where he was checking and rechecking his tricorder.

“No way.”

“As you are well aware, Captain, Starfleet has begun to discourage the inclusion of the captain on every landing party. It is thought that the risks outweigh the benefits. As I am more than capable of—”

“Blah, blah, blah.” Jim waved his hands and moved over to the transporters pads. “Nothing doing. I’m going.”

Sulu eyed him with some amusement as he joined Jim on the transporter. Spock, looking Vulcan disgruntled, stepped up beside him as did two security guards.

“Energize,” Jim commanded.

Just as they reappeared on the planet surface, the planet began to shake violently.

Jim frowned as the shaking got worse. Much worse. The ground was cracking at their feet. He flipped open his communicator.

“Scotty, better get us out of here. Beam us up.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Jim felt a weird shift just as Scotty engaged. He’d have to ask about it when they got back on the ship.

Less than ten seconds later, Jim reappeared. On _a_ planet’s surface. Not the planet he’d just been on. Or at least it didn’t look like the same one. And there was no shaking. But there was also no one else.

“Spock? Sulu? Jenkins? Friedericks?” he yelled. His voice echoed.

Jim flipped open his communicator. “Kirk to Enterprise. Kirk to Enterprise.”

Nothing. Not even static.

“Kirk to Spock. Spock, come in.”

Jim closed his communicator and looked around the lushly green planet. It almost looked like Earth, but not exactly either.

“What the fuck?”

Hours later, the sun was at his back and he heard the sound of running water from…somewhere. His voice had become hoarse from yelling for the rest of the landing party—anyone—to hear him. There had been no answer and he could not shake the feeling that he was alone. They’d definitely been separated when they’d tried to beam up during the earthquake. But somehow it felt as though he was the only living thing around. He could only hope that meant they were somehow back on the ship and not…gone. And he could only hope that somehow, up on that ship, Spock would be looking for him.


	2. Crushing

Spock stepped off the transporter pad, his mouth open to begin a lecture to the captain about the danger of having undertaken a mission on a clearly unstable surface, when he realized that only himself, Sulu, and the two security guards had re-materialized.

“Mister Scott, where is the captain?” Spock addressed Scott who was behind the controls of the transporter. At the vague look of panic on Scott’s face, Spock began to feel uneasy.

“I don’t know.”

Spock glanced back at the pad, inexplicably, before turning back to Scott. “ _You do not know_?”

“I don’t have his signal,” Scott said, unhappily.

Beside him, Sulu made some sort of distressed noise. “Did his particles break up?”

Spock had an irrational urge to punch Sulu in the face.

“No,” Scott said quickly. “Or at least I don’t see any sign of that. I just didn’t pick up his signal when I was beaming the rest of you onboard.”

“Then find it, Mister Scott, and quickly transport the captain.”

“The planet surface is still highly unstable, Mister Spock, and I cannae lock on to him.” His voice warbled and Spock realized the engineer was near tears. 

“Beam me back down,” Spock said, intent on locating their captain himself.

“I can’t, sir. With the way the planet is wavering, you might not make it.”

Spock went to the comm on the transporter panel. “Enterprise to Captain Kirk. Enterprise to Captain Kirk.”

He worked on the panel, trying to find Jim’s signal.

“Spock to Kirk.”

There was nothing. No response.

His world tilted a little, but Spock tamped down on any possibility of emotional tantrums. “Keep trying.”

He left the transporter room with Sulu on his heels and as they got into the turbolift, Spock did not look at him.

“Commander, the planet didn’t show this level of instability earlier,” Sulu said somewhat desperately. “All indications were that landing on the surface was low risk.”

Spock said nothing in reply as the door opened onto the bridge. He immediately existed.

“Status report.”

“The planet is still continuing to shake, sir,” Chekov declared from his post as Sulu joined him at the helm. “It is becoming more wiolent by the moment.”

Spock moved toward the captain’s chair but he did not sit down. On the view screen he watched the planet become more visibly unstable. Under those circumstances it was likely Jim might be injured and unable to communicate with them.

“Lieutenant Uhura, have you been able to reach the captain?”

“I’ve been trying, sir, but so far…nothing,” Nyota replied. There was a nervous edge to her voice.

“Commander,” Sulu said. He paused. Looked at the screen. “I can’t find any sign of human life on the planet.”

Spock turned his head sharply toward Sulu. “Scan again.”

“I-I have scanned several times and—”

“Scan again, Mister Sulu.”

“Yes, sir.”

Spock curled his fingers toward the palms of his hand. His heart pounded fast in his side. He was aware that Nyota had left her post and was now standing beside him.

“Commander,” Chekov spoke up. “The planet is…it’s breaking up, sir.”

Spock watched with almost crushing dread as the planet imploded before their eyes in a manner similar to the destruction of Vulcan, although much slower.

“Commander, our orbit around the planet is destabilizing. If we don’t get the ship out of here—”

Spock hit the comm on the side of the captain’s chair. “Mister Scott, do you have the captain?”

A long pause and then,

“No, sir.”

Nyota gasped and then put her hand to her mouth.

“Mister Sulu, take the ship out of here,” Spock said softly. “You have the con.” He turned and entered the turbolift, Nyota entering immediately after him. She stopped it from moving and went to him, putting her hands on his face.

“I’m sorry, so sorry,” she whispered over and over.

It reminded him very much of another time. Another tragedy he’d had to endure. Mother. And now…no. It could not be.

He felt her sorrow through the touch against his skin. Both a personal sense and a deeper one on behalf of him.   Her mind, so usually ordered and soothing, was chaotic, filled with grief that seemed to magnify his own. He was torn between ripping her hands from his face and leaning into her touch.

“This is not possible,” he said, even as the words, so illogical, could not be taken back. It was entirely possible. And it fact, true.

His captain…Jim…was gone. 

Spock had never experienced the sensation known as light-headedness and yet had no other explanation for the dazed way he felt. He swayed on his feet.

“I did not—”

“No, I know. I know. You wanted to. You meant to,” she said, trying to make his ineptness somehow better and failing.

“McCoy to Spock.”

Spock closed his eyes to the hail. He wished he could close his ears. How in the world would he be able to explain to McCoy that Jim—

“Nyota,” Spock whispered.

“Maybe he’s not, you know. Sulu said there were no signs of life even before the planet broke up. Maybe he’s…somewhere else.” Nyota spoke desperately. Grasping at anything. For him, yes, but Spock thought for herself, too.

“Where?” Spock asked. “Where could he be?”

Her face crumbled and tears appeared in her eyes. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “But he’s cheated death before. Maybe—”

“I would give anything to believe he had cheated it this time.”

“I know, but…this is Jim. You were supposed to…” Nyota trailed off and bit her lip.

“I failed. I failed Jim, but mostly I failed myself.” Spock reached up and covered her hands with his and gently pulled them off his face. “And now I am faced with notifying Starfleet and two even more terrible tasks. Notifying Leonard and Jim’s mother.”

****

Spock decided to notify McCoy before Starfleet. Based on his numerous attempts to contact Spock, he suspected the doctor already had some idea that something was wrong. Perhaps, deep down McCoy already knew. But it was also possible that he didn’t know. And Spock would have to tell him.

There was no one this ship or anywhere, really, who was as close to Jim as Leonard was.

In fact, over time Spock had grown to face their friendship with some measure of discontent. Jim certainly deserved to have as many friends as he wished, but his closeness to Leonard had meant that he hadn’t ever attempted to get especially close to Spock. He had the friend he needed, why look elsewhere?

Or so it had seemed to Spock.

To be fair, he knew that he could hardly rival Leonard for Jim’s friendship. The doctor was more closely matched in interests with Jim than Spock was. Jim had never once invited Spock for a drink, though he had done so many times with McCoy. While it was true that Spock didn’t care much for the imbibing of alcohol, there had been a time or two when he had accepted a drink. Nyota had brought him a couple during Jim’s birthday celebration on Yorktown, and once Leonard had offered him one and to the doctor’s surprise, he had accepted.

But there had been other social opportunities where Jim could have included Spock and chose not to for whatever reason. Once in a while Jim invited Spock for chess, but it never seemed like he had any real interest in the game. Spock felt that Jim only invited him so that he could say he was making an effort to get along with his first officer. And that was, perhaps, unfair. Jim was not cold or aloof toward Spock, but he never acted the easy way he did with Leonard or even with Chekov or Sulu or Scott. For that matter, if Spock reflected on it, Jim acted easier with Nyota than he did with Spock.

When Spock went to seek him out on Valentine’s Day, Jim seemed to be holding himself back from something though Spock could not say what.

After the final dissolution of his romantic relationship with Nyota, she had encouraged Spock to try to develop more of a friendship with their captain so that there was a chance, however slight, they could share a deeper connection as Spock desired. But those weeks before Jim’s…Spock shook his head. He could not even think the word.

Prior to their recent mission and after Valentine’s Day, Jim had drawn further into himself and had seemed anything but approachable to Spock. In fact, Spock had plans to discuss it with Doctor McCoy. While he could not exactly say he wanted Leonard’s advice, he did wish to know if there had been something causing the captain’s behavior.

Now…none of that mattered.

Illogically he paused outside the medbay. Delaying his entry would not change any of the facts. Not the tasks ahead of him. Spock was most certainly emotionally compromised, but there was no one to relieve him and take over as captain. No one.

He stepped close enough to cause the doors to open and Spock entered the medbay.

Almost immediately, Leonard appeared. He had a vague look of unease about him, but no real sign of emotional distress.

“There you are. I’ve been trying to reach Jim. He’s not answering. I can’t access his quarters either. If he was hurt down on that planet and is refusing medical attention, I’ll—”

He stopped speaking abruptly. There was a thing that Humans did psychologically. It was called _denial_. And Spock suddenly realized that this is what he was dealing with. Somehow, Leonard did know.

Spock guessed he must because all of the bridge knew. And Mister Scott. How could Leonard fail to know? But he wanted Spock to tell him. He could see it in the doctor’s blank eyes. A very strange blankness that was not at all natural for him.

“The captain is gone,” Spock said very slowly. It was the only word he could use that didn’t threaten to shred him, though it was a near thing.

“Gone? _Gone_? What’s that mean? He’s missing?”

And so, after all, Leonard was going to force him to say it.

“The captain is dead.”

“The captain is dead,” Leonard repeated, his voice flat. “Do you even hear yourself? We’re talking about _Jim_. _Jim_.  And you can’t say it like that. Like it’s meaningless. Like you’re giving me some damn lab report. This is _Jim_ and I know somewhere in that green-blooded body of yours, you felt something for him.”

“My feelings are irrelevant,” Spock replied. “The planet was unstable and during our attempt to return to the Enterprise, Captain Kirk was stranded on the surface. Our attempts to retrieve him before the planet’s demise were unsuccessful.”

The weird blankness in Leonard’s eyes did not go away. His mouth was a grim line. “I wish it was you.”

Spock did not flinch as he said softly, “As do I, doctor.”

He turned to leave.

“No. Wait. Spock.”

Spock didn’t turn around.

“I didn’t meant that. I’m just…I don’t know what to do or say or think. Without Jim—”

“I know, Leonard.”

Spock exited medbay and went directly to his quarters. Eventually he would need to return to the bridge, as he would be in command now, at least temporarily. But he would need privacy to advise Winona Kirk that her son was out of miracles.

His cabin seemed especially cold when he entered but Spock did not raise the heat. He had no desire to feel comfortable at the moment. He sat down behind his desk and accessed his terminal.

“”Nyota, please open me a channel with Winona Kirk.”

“Spock, do you-do you want me to tell her?”

“No,” Spock said. “Jim would want me to be the one to inform her.” He was sure of it, though he could not say why. “Thank you, Nyota.”

It was five more minutes before Winona Kirk appeared on the screen of his terminal. He tried to see Jim in her but other than the blueness of the eyes, he did not see much. The expression on her face was one of pure confusion.

“Commander Spock?”

“Yes, Mrs. Kirk. Forgive my intrusion.”

She frowned. “What is it?” She leaned forward then. He could see she was working out the oddness of him contacting her. They had never spoken privately and had only met once on Yorktown while the Enterprise was being rebuilt after Altamid. “Where’s my son? Has he been injured? I want to speak to him.”

“He is…”

“Unavailable? Is he unconscious? Let me talk to McCoy then. I want to know his condition!”

A pain was beginning to form behind Spock’s right eye.

“Your son has…not survived.”

Her blue eyes, which suddenly seemed like mirror images of Jim’s, widened. “What?”

The question was faint, a mere whisper and she had lost several shades of color.

“There was a mission on an unstable planet and—”

“Then revive him!” she interrupted frantically. “McCoy can revive him. He did before. Bring him back again. You must have Khan’s blood still. McCoy surely would have kept some. He-he knows how Jim is. So bring him back. Now.”

“Before we could rescue him, the planet broke apart.”

This time she stared at him. He could see her lower lips trembling.

“We do not have his body,” Spock whispered.

She closed her eyes tight and let out a shuddering breath. “How much more must I endure?”

“Mrs. Kirk, I—”

“I can’t. I can’t.” She started to sob and the screen went blank.

Spock pushed a switch and brought up an image of Jim on his terminal. It was no official portrait. It was just an image someone had captured at a function late last year where Jim had been standing right beside Spock and as he talked to a Federation dignitary he kept moving closer to Spock until he was almost standing on Spock, but Spock had not moved back. Jim was smiling in the picture. Their shoulders were touching and Spock remembered feeling how warm Jim was through the contact of their shirts.  

“I loved your son,” Spock said softly.

To no one.

****

“Uh, Captain’s Log, um, um, oh crap. I always have to look it up. I’ll fill it in later.” Jim sat perched on a flat rock that made a pretty decent place to sit as far as rocks were concerned. No jagged ridges poking him.

The sun was going down on the planet, but fortunately it was pretty warm.

“So, I’m stuck on this planet, not sure if it’s the same one we landed on originally. What was it called? Nothing yet, I guess. M-Class Planet 99,000. Or if this is someplace else. It looks nothing like the other one. I’ve done some exploring and so far I haven’t run across any intelligent life. Some plants. Water. Which was safe to drink. Thankfully, since all I arrived here with was my communicator and phaser.

Anyway, I anticipate rescue by the Enterprise at any time. Spock’s the best first officer there is, so I am guessing he’s definitely already on it. If this is another planet, I can only hope it wasn’t too far from the other one. Weird though. I’ve never had that happen with a transporter or even heard of it happening.  I’ll have Scotty look into that when I get back to the ship.”

Whenever that was. He might actually have to find some place to sleep while he waited. Probably in the morning, Spock would contact him and Scotty would beam him right back up.

Yeah.

Jim exhaled very slowly.

Yeah.  


	3. The Blond Boy

“Spock!” Jim sat bolt upright, his heart pounding hard in his chest. Around him the light of the planet’s morning was just beginning to appear. “Spock?”

His back ached from sleeping on the ground. Had he slept on a rock? He struggled up, looking around.

“Spock?”

Of course there was no sign that Spock was anywhere around him. Despite the Vulcan having invaded his dreams.

He flipped open his communicator. “Kirk to Enterprise. Kirk to Enterprise.”

When only dead silence greeted his call, Jim tried to tamp down on the disappointment.

Last night as he fell asleep, unable to keep his eyes open one more minute, Jim had told himself he’d be rescued in the morning. And now—

He bit his lip and undid his pants to relieve his full bladder. Then after redoing his pants, he decided he’d better look around for some food.

Down by the stream where he’d drank water the day before was a plant that grew berries. He hadn’t tried them yet but he was going to have to do so sooner or later if rescue didn’t come fast. His stomach was already growling and visions of Tarsus tried to invade his memories. He pushed those aside for now and after drinking his fill of water sat down beside the stream.

Jim took out his communicator to record another log.

“Captain’s Log whatever. Day two of being stranded on this unknown planet. And I don’t know, Spock. I guess I thought you’d figure it out by now.”

For some reason Jim decided he was going to address his logs to Spock. Sort of like a “Dear Spock” kind of thing.  Maybe not entirely professional but he deserved a little slack under the circumstances.   

“That’s not fair, I know. But damn, you’re smarter than anyone I know. And maybe—”

Jim stopped, closing his eyes. He was suddenly unable to continue. He lowered his communicator.

“What if you didn’t make it, Spock? What if…no.”

Okay so Jim had been transported here, wherever that was. Maybe the rest of this landing party had been transported somewhere else instead of back to the Enterprise. It was entirely possible he hadn’t been the only one. And though so far his planet seemed fairly innocuous, it didn’t mean the other planets they were transported to were, if they were transported anywhere but the Enterprise. 

And what about that anyway? How did any of this happen?

“If you didn’t make it back to the Enterprise, Spock, if even now you’re sitting by your own stream trying to figure this all out, then surely Scotty is trying to find us. Me. You. Whoever. See if you aren’t there to figure things out, Scotty’s the next best thing for sure.”

There was the alternative of he was the only one who survived of the landing party. He didn’t think that was the case but he couldn’t entirely deny the possibility.

And he might have been transported elsewhere because something very bad indeed had happened on or to the Enterprise. There was that possibility too, though he sure as hell didn’t want to contemplate the loss of all those lives. Those that had been lost during the Altamid disaster had been far more than he wanted to think about.

“So, basically Spock, I have to hope you really are up there on the Enterprise trying to find me and rescue me, because if I think about any other scenarios, well, I get a little melancholy and I—”

There was a loud scuffling noise behind him. Jim dropped his communicator and reached for his phaser as he rose to his feet and spun around. 

“Who or what are you?” he demanded.

At first there was no response, no movement, and it was almost enough time to convince himself that he’d imagined it after all.

And then…

From behind a rock, a boy stood. A young human boy of what Jim estimated to be nine years old or so. He held up his hands toward Jim, palms out.

“Don’t shoot me.”

Jim lowered his phaser. His mouth hung open as the boy began to move toward him. His heart leapt into his throat.

No. It was impossible. It could not be. He really had gone insane.

“I-I heard someone-someone else here and I came to see,” the boy said. He stared at Jim with wide blue eyes, a shock of blond hair falling down his forehead and into those eyes.

Jim licked his lips and nodded at the illusion. Because it absolutely _had_ to be an illusion.

The kid frowned. “Do you understand me?”

“Yeah,” Jim said softly. “How are you here?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know, honestly. One day I was outside doing chores and then, I don’t know, suddenly I was here.” He paused and pointed north from their location. “Well. There. How about you, mister?”

“I, uh, I was transported here.”

“Transported,” the kid repeated. “Are you in Starfleet?”

“Yeah. How long have you been here?”

“A while,” the boy said. “I’ve lost track. You’re the first one I’ve found here other than me. My name is Jim.”

Jim sucked in a breath, his head swimming. He was crazy. He was damn crazy. That was the only explanation.

“What’s yours?”

“Uh. Captain. You can call me Captain.”

The kid’s eyes swept over his uniform landing on the braids at his sleeve, then he nodded. “Your rank. Okay, Captain. You don’t look so good. You can eat those berries by the way. I’ve had dozens of them.”

Jim glanced at the plant with the berries. He didn’t move to eat any.

Kid Jim shrugged. “You’ll have to eat something. Did you bring food with you?”

“No,” Jim admitted.

“Don’t trust me, Captain?” the kid seemed amused by the idea. And Jesus, he was exactly Jim’s replica at that age. Exactly.

“I don’t trust _me_.”

“Suit yourself then. On this side of the planet, that’s all that’s available. Berries. Some of the leaves of the plants are edible too. This is the…peaceful side,” Kid Jim said. “You can sleep here uninterrupted by anything. But there’s not very much shelter here either. And when it rains—”

“It rains here?”

The boy snorted. “Of course. Buckets. You’ll want to take shelter then.”

“What’s the non-peaceful side then?”

“The north side,” Kid Jim replied. “Where I spend most of my time. Food’s more plentiful. Even some kinds of animals if you like meat. And there are some caves and stuff you can stay in if it rains.”

“But?”

The kid smirked. “There’s quicksand in areas. Some cliffs and falls if you aren’t careful. And some of the animals are aggressive. You have to stay alert when you sleep in the caves. It’s easy to get cornered in them.”

Jim frowned. “Why don’t the animals there come over here?”

“I don’t know, Captain. They just don’t. Or they haven’t. I come over here when the north side gets to be too much. Or I did. But when I found out you were here, well…”

“You got scared.”

“I don’t get scared,” the kid denied instantly, defiance in those familiar blue eyes. “Just…concerned. And curious.”

“This is so fucked up,” Jim whispered. Then winced as he looked at the wide-eyed kid version of himself. “Sorry.”

“It’s not like I’ve never heard adults swear.” He glanced up at the sky. “Clouds are coming in now, Captain. Think your crew will rescue you?”

“I hope so. What about you? Think you’ll be rescued?”

“No,” the kid said. “No one cares enough about me to look for me. My stepfather probably thinks good riddance. And anyway, even if they did miss me, I doubt they’d think to look on another planet. Right? That is where we are, isn’t it, Captain?”

“Yeah. Uh. Probably. Where are you from?” He knew the answer the kid would provide but he asked anyway.

“Riverside, Iowa. What about you?”

“San Francisco.”

“Yeah?” Kid Jim smiled, getting a starry-eyed look. “I’ve heard it’s so cool there. Not that I’d ever enlist in Starfleet.” His smile faded. “My dad died in Starfleet.”

Jim almost started to feel sorry for the boy but then remembered he was probably hallucinating. Amazing how much information his hallucination had anyway.

“Are you going to eat those berries or what?” the kid asked.

Jim picked up, smelled it and then put it up to his lips. He took a tentative bite.

Kid Jim smiled. “See? Not poison. If you want to see the north side, come with me, Captain.”

Somewhere Jim recalled hearing that if you were lost or whatever you were supposed to stay pretty much where you were so that rescuers could find you. So, then why was he now preparing to follow a kid who couldn’t possibly be real?


	4. Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright

The kid walked like him.

Jim had never really thought about how individuals had their own unique walk but now that he watched the blond kid walk in front of him, leading him supposedly to the North Side, he recognized his own gait. And he felt like he was getting into a weirder and weirder headspace.

“So why did your crew transport you here, Captain?”

“I think there was a malfunction in the transporter.”

“You think? But you don’t know for sure.”

“No. But what else could it be?

The kid shrugged. “Could have been deliberate.”

Jim frowned. “Deliberate? What? Like mutiny?”

“That sure. But I don’t know, Captain. Maybe you have enemies.”

“Enemies.”

“Could be. Like maybe you really pissed some other race off and they decided to get even.” Kid Jim dropped to his knees without warning and scanned something over the ground.

“What’s that? Where’d you get it?”

“I made it,” he said. “With bits and pieces of old equipment I found. I made a tricorder, I guess you’d say.”

“You found old equipment? Are there others here?”

The kid straightened and shook his head. “Not now, I don’t think. But before? Yeah. I hope they got away but…”

“But?”

“Well, it’s possible they died here, right? I’ve never found any humanoid remains.” He pointed to the right of where he stood. “Walk around that way. The soil in front of us contains acid. It will burn through your boots.”

“What kind of fucked up place is this?” But Jim walked the way the boy said and they continued on.

“Probably no worse than many others and better than some. But you can’t let your guard down, that’s for sure.”

Jim walked on, following the kid in silence for a while but when the boy stopped again to scan a bunch of rocks, he said, “Suppose you’re right.”

Kid Jim glanced at him apprehensively. “About what?”

“Maybe some alien race is out to fuck with me. That would definitely explain the hallucinations.”

“Hallucinations?” Kid Jim smiled, a wide amused smile. “Oh. I get it. You think I’m not real. You think I’m either a figment of your imagination or…what? Are you delirious, Captain?”

“I could be. Or maybe you’re some sort of projection designed to lure me into danger.”

The boy shook his head. “Or maybe you’re the fake one.”

He reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out a knife. Almost before Jim could react he slashed it across the palm of his hand and a line of scarlet blood appeared.

And there was an answering stinging in his own hand. Startled Jim turned his own hand over to see blood appearing oozing from an identical cut.

The boy leaned toward Jim and smeared it on the top of Jim’s wound.

“What do you think, Captain? Is that real?”

Jim could smell the copper. Watched it coagulate on the boy’s palm and his own. “That’s impossible.”

“Really strange, I’ll give you that.” The boy’s blue eyes pierced him. “What did you say your name was?”

“I didn’t.”

The boy shook his head and then pulled out what looked like a handmade bandage out of his pocket next and slapped that onto his cut palm. He saw Jim’s questioning gaze.

“Not the first time I’ve been hurt. And yes, everything you see, I’ve had to make or create or make do.” He handed one to Jim, who numbly put it across the wound on his own palm. “Step over these rocks, they’re explosive. If you are here long enough, you’ll start to notice them. They look very slightly different than normal rocks. If you’re unsure, scan them first.””

“Where’d you find this equipment?” Jim stepped over the rocks and into an area with much thicker plant life.    

“I’ll show you when I can find it again. I’ve been so many places I forget where I’ve been. You seemed surprised by the suggestion of mutiny, Captain. Are you so popular?”

“No,” Jim admitted. “I’m not unpopular though. I have those who like me and those who don’t. Just like anyone. And some I consider friends. I trust that they wouldn’t betray me.”

“Everyone and anyone is capable of turning on you. I’m surprised you haven’t learned that at your age.”

“I’m surprised you’ve already learned it at yours,” Jim said, though in truth, if this was himself at that age, as it certainly seemed to be, by appearances anyway, he was not at all surprised. “How old are you, Jim?”

“Ten.”

“Very young.”

He shrugged. “I guess. But I’ve had to grow up a lot here. And back home too.”

“You said they wouldn’t miss you,” Jim said softly. “Your stepfather?”

“Yeah, he’s a real piece of work.” He pulled out the knife again and hacked through some brush.

“Your mother. Surely she would care.”

“Nuh-uh. She’s never around anyhow. And before you say anyone else, Sam wouldn’t care either.”

Jim swallowed. “Sam?”

“My older brother. He hates me.” The kid stopped for a moment and Jim noticed the boy’s bottom lip tremble.

“No. I don’t think he hates you.”

Kid Jim glared at him. “What would you know?”

Jim blew out a breath. “I had a brother once very much like your brother Sam.”

“Yeah? And what happened with him?”

“Well.” Jim sighed. He moistened his lips. “I’m not going to lie and tell you things are all warm and fuzzy with us. And I don’t think we ever will be. We’re just…very different. He made some choices a long time ago that were definitely not in my best interests. But I don’t think he ever hated me.”

“Do you think he loves you?” There was a mocking, bitter tone to the kid’s voice that somehow made Jim uncomfortable with the introspection. Was this really him at that age?

“I don’t know,” Jim said honestly. “I suppose on some level he does since we’re family.”

Kid Jim said nothing to that. He went to the left in the pathway. “This way, Captain.”

Jim followed him and they’d gone, perhaps another mile, when they reached a natural bridge that extended from where they stood across a yawning stretch of open space, over a rocky stream far below, to the other side where long drooping fronds made an arch before a path on the other side.

The boy eyed Jim. “Hope you aren’t afraid of heights, Captain.”

The bridge was narrow, some places worse than others, and covered in moss and mud.

“Well. I mean I’m not crazy about them, but I can deal.”

“All right. Let’s go.”

Jim hesitated. “Maybe I should try contacting my ship again first.”

“Sure. I’ll wait.” The boy perched himself on a big bolder, and began to swing his legs back and forth.

Jim turned away and pulled out his communicator. _Crap_. He couldn’t call himself Kirk. Not in front of this kid.

“Enterprise come in, Enterprise? Um. Captain to Spock. Come in Spock.”

Nothing. Not a sound.

He closed it, looked at the bridge. To the North Side, apparently.

“Who’s Spock?”

“My, um, my first officer. And my friend.”

“Ready to cross now?”

“Yes.” But he didn’t move. “Look, we’re obviously connected in some way. I don’t know how or why but…”

“The cuts on our palms,” the boy said. “Well, so what? I don’t know how to explain it and I bet neither do you.”

“No,” Jim admitted.

“Probably this screwy planet. It messes with you. Do you want to go across to the North Side or what, Captain?”

“All right. Lead the way.”

Kid Jim didn’t look back at him as he stepped onto the natural bridge. This kid couldn’t be him. He was way braver than Jim remembered being at his age.

The boy stopped halfway across and turned to look. He smiled. “Still chicken?”

“No!” Jim protested.

“I cross it all the time. It’s safe. I promise.”

Jim made his way onto the bridge and over to where the boy stood waiting. “There. See?”

The kid grinned. “Come on, Captain.” He turned and then froze. “Oh no.”

“What?”

Jim looked at standing at the pathway on the other side was a large catlike animal that reminded Jim of an old Earth Tiger, an animal that had been extinct for some time, only the coloring wasn’t the same. This was one completely orange without any stripes.

“What’s that?”

“One of the aggressive animals we have to watch out for,” the boy whispered.   


	5. Sinister

Spock wasn’t good with emotions. He had never pretended otherwise. The emotions that humans regularly expressed, often with abandon, escaped him.

It was not that he did not feel. He did. As his father once expressed, Vulcans felt more deeply than humans in many ways.

But he had both difficulty in expressing and processing them properly, as well as allowing them to rule his very being. That Spock would not, could not, do.

And perhaps that was why he had been unable to fully accept that Jim had died.

Spock had never worked up to telling Jim of his romantic feelings. Spock had foolishly thought there was time.

Wasn’t that why Nyota and he had broken up to begin with? There was always time to deepen their relationship. About the next level. Always time to talk about bonding. Spock put it off and put it off until he saw Jim for his future instead of Nyota and she had recognized it before Spock had.

Try as Spock did, though, which admittedly was not that hard, he could not fathom an existence in which Jim was not there. And it did not…feel right. As illogical as that was, Spock believed that if Jim had truly died back on that planet, Spock would have known.

He had no reason to believe that other than what his mother would have called, _intuition_. Something Vulcans firmly did not believe in.      

Yet he had run test after test trying to prove his theory that Jim did not perish with the planet that had broken up. And if he had not, then where was Jim?

The logical conclusion was that he was either on another planet or another ship. There had been no indication whatsoever that the planet was about to be destroyed. Lieutenant Sulu was a highly efficient officer and not prone to such significant errors.

After much thought, Spock concluded that the planet had been destroyed deliberately by outside forces, and Spock suspected those outside forces had used it as a diversion to abduct the captain. Their captain. His captain. His.

Therefore the first order of business was to return to the area and search other nearby planets for signs of life, specifically humanoid life. Then they would go from there to determine if any of those was Captain Kirk. Jim.

If not, then it was entirely possible, even probable, that Jim was on another ship.

What was not possible, even probably, was that Jim was dead.

Spock simply knew otherwise. And he had wasted too much time trying to ignore this inner knowledge. Time that could have been spent rescuing Jim.

He would contact Starfleet and advise them of their change in course.

****

“What do we do now?” Jim asked the boy.

The tiger thing had decided to lay down across the path to the other side, at the end of the bridge. A few times it had even licked his chops. Jim had said so out loud.

“No, he hasn’t you’re imagining things,” the boy said, though he’d sounded a little nervous and out of breath.

Jim shook his head. “Is there another way across to the other side?”

“Um. Well. Yeah. But it’s a lot farther that way, Captain.” He pointed toward the right.

“I don’t think we have much of a choice unless you want to be his lunch.”

“What about your phaser?”

“Okay, but generally, I prefer to use the stun function, and if he’s stunned, you and I still have to try to move his big body out of the way.” Jim considered. “Think we can do it?”

“Sure! You look strong, Captain/”

He rolled his eyes but removed his phaser from his belt and fired at the beast. Or he tried to. Nothing happened. Nothing came out of the phaser. “What the fuck? I mean, er, what?”

The kid made a face. “I’ve heard worse out of my stepfather’s mouth. And this is like the third time you’ve said it.”

“Yeah, sorry. I forget you’re just a kid.” Jim eyed the vision of his younger self. “That should have worked. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with this phaser. So, what, exactly, is up with this planet?”

“I think maybe we should get off this bridge and try for the other way, Captain. We’ve been standing here for a while and if the tremors start—”

“Tremors? What tremors?”

The boy grabbed Jim’s arm. “They just happen a few times a day. From the volcano. Come on, Captain.”

“Volcano?” This planet just kept getting worse and worse. But Jim carefully walked back the way he came, following after his younger self.

Kid Jim smiled when they made it back to the other side. “See? We’re okay. But now we’d better make our way around. And be careful. There are a lot of things you need to watch out for.”

Jim clenched his jaw. “How long have you been here again?”

“I told you, I lost track. _I don’t know_ , Captain.”

He narrowed his eyes at the kid. “What if I just refuse to go with you? What if I just stay here on the south side and never go to the north? If the Enterprise is looking for me, then I should stay where I was, right?”

“They think you’re dead,” the boy said, his voice flat.

“What?”

“They think you’re dead,” the kid said again. “The planet you were on? It broke up and they think you were still on it when it happened. You’re dead, Captain.”

“I’m not dead,” Jim insisted.

“How do you explain me?”

Jim stared at him. “Well.”

“You’re never going to get off this planet. The Enterprise isn’t looking for you because you’ve been officially declared dead, Captain. And if you’re as smart as they say you are, you will follow me.”

Jim took a step back. “They? Who is they?”

But this time the kid remained silent.

“Who are you?”

“If you want to survive, you will come with me.” He shrugged. “If not, you can take your chances on the south side or with him.” He gestured to the tiger-beast. “It’s your choice, Captain.”

“You look like me, you sound like me, when you cut your hand—”

The boy started moving down a path on the right side, through lush jungle. He did not look back at Jim. Everything screamed danger.

Jim took a deep breath and followed after the vision of his young self.


	6. Them

“I don’t like this.”

The image of himself as a kid glanced his way, stopped in the path for a moment. “So you’ve said. Half a dozen times.”

“Well. It doesn’t feel right. None of this does.” Jim looked around at the lush foliage. “You spoke of ‘they’. Who are they?”

“The inhabitants of this planet.”

“You’ve seen them? You’ve met them?”

The boy smiled. It didn’t reach his eyes. It looked unnatural. “A few times. But they don’t like to show themselves.”

“Are they humanoid?”

He shrugged.

“What are they called?” Jim asked.

“I don’t know, Captain.”

Jim huffed out a breath and explored the area they’d stopped in. He could see a clearing up ahead.

“I’ve figured out you’re probably some kind of illusion. They picked my brain somehow when they captured me. But what I don’t get is why they’d use me as a kid instead of someone else familiar to me.”

The kid pursed his lips. “When you were my age you could only rely on yourself.”

“That’s true.”

“You are relying on yourself again in a manner of speaking.”

“Oh.” Jim nodded. “So that’s where it comes from? They got that from my mind, huh? Still. You’d think they’d pick someone else, maybe from later, who I trusted.”

“You don’t trust easily,” the boy said softly. “You never did.”

Jim laughed. “Don’t talk like you actually know me just because you invaded my brain for a few minutes. What’s the deal anyway? Why am I here? Why not just get to where they dissect me and have done with it?”

“Do you want to be dissected then?” He sounded amused. “Who would you prefer to be with you, Captain? Spock?”

Jim sucked in a breath. “You really did invade my brain.  Why don’t you just show me yourselves instead of illusions?”

But instead of responding to that, the boy pointed. “We need to move on. You don’t want to be in this area when the darkness comes.”

“Why? Will another one of those fake tiger things arrive?”

“Do you want to find out how real they can be, Captain?” He turned away from Jim and began to walk, heading toward the clearing ahead.

Jim watched him for a moment, and then began to follow after him.

****

“Captain’s log. Er. Dear Spock.  It’s me again. I don’t know the stardate. We can fill that in later. Not even sure how many days I’ve been here now. This place is…creepy. Strange. Creepy strange. Not long after I ended up here I met up with a kid who looked exactly like I did at that age. Sounds like me too. But I’m pretty sure he’s some kind of illusion created by whoever’s on this planet to deal with me.

He told me that you all think I’m dead and aren’t even looking for me. I’m guessing whoever captured me and brought me here has made you think that with some kind of evidence because I don’t think you’d just assume anything, Spock. I miss you. I’d give anything right now to hear you tell me something is fascinating or to have you say how illogical I am.

Phasers don’t seem to work.  Mine didn’t anyway. Maybe they have some kind of force field that prevents it. I really don’t know. We’ve stopped for the night to take shelter. I’m not really even sure where I’m going. Probably into a trap. Since the kid me is probably an illusion there’s little chance he’ll go to sleep so I can try to get away from him or something. But that’s probably my best bet. Getting away.

I just hope he’s wrong. They’re wrong. And the Enterprise is somehow looking for me. I want to go home. Kirk out.”

The kid was way on the other side of the spot they’d decided to camp at overnight. He’d told Jim he intended to collect food so Jim had used it as an opportunity to records his log.

Jim sat down with his back against a rock and waited, keeping a watchful eye on the boy until he returned a while later, arms laden with big round fruits that reminded him of mangos and what looked like bananas.

“You found all those here on this planet?”

“Uh-huh.” The kid dumped them on the ground next to Jim.

“So they’re replicating Earth fruit now huh? They wouldn’t mind replicating a big juicy steak would they?”

“Do you want the fruit or not?”

“How do I know they aren’t poison?”

He seemed amused by that as he picked up a banana. “I haven’t poisoned you yet, have I?”

“You could have been lulling me into a false sense of complacency.”

“Like I said, you don’t trust easily.” He held out the banana to Jim. “I promise, Captain. The fruit is edible. No poison.”

Jim took the banana and peeled it. He sniffed it. Smelled like a banana. And he _was_ hungry. He took a bite.  “Why don’t you tell me more about them?”

The kid looked away. “I don’t know much.”

“They’re obviously very advanced. You look real. You bled when you cut your hand. I did too. Neat trick. Somehow they have you tied to my brain, my body, something.”

“Would you like Spock to be here?”

“You leave Spock alone. You want to fuck with someone, fuck with me. Leave Spock out of this.”

“You’re very protective of him.”

“I’m protective of all my crew,” Jim insisted.

Young him laughed. It was his laugh, for crying out loud. Damn they were good. Creepy good.  “Yeah, so Spock isn’t special at all?”

“He’s an excellent first officer.”

“But he doesn’t love you back, does he, Captain? He’s in love with your communications officer. And he’s never ever been interested in you in any way but as your friend. Isn’t that right?”

Jim’s muscle in his jaw jumped. “So?”

He held out the mango and produced a knife with which to cut it.

“What is this? Are they wanting to study humans or something? How we act in certain situations? Am I on another planet or the one I was always on and they’ve only made it seem like I’m some place else? You said the planet broke up, right?”

He eyed Jim through narrowed eyes. “Yes.”

“But I’ll bet it didn’t. That was an illusion too, wasn’t it? They just made the Enterprise think it broke up.”

“You should finish eating and then go to sleep, Captain. You have a long day ahead of you.”

“Where are we going?”

“To the North side.”

“And what’s there?”

“Them.” 


	7. Challenging the Illusion

Jim was becoming ever more exhausted and despondent as he continued to traipse after the vision of himself as a young boy. And that was definitely it. A vision only. He was pretty sure the only Jim Kirk that was actually here was him. Which meant his captors, and yes he had decided that they were his captors, were playing some weird ass twisted game with him as their experiment.

And just why was he following this kid who was likely leading him to his death anyway? He hadn’t had a wink of sleep for he had been unable to let down his guard. And yeah maybe he was stumbling a little and he was hot as fuck too. He stopped,

The kid kept going for a moment, then stopped, and gazed back at him. “You need a rest?”

“No.”

“Then we should keep going, Captain.”

“No.”

The kid frowned. “I don’t understand.”

“Don’t you? If your friends here some how got into my head to find out all this shit about me then you and them will certainly know that I’m a stubborn mother fucker. I’m not going to wherever you’re leading me.”

“That’s not wise, Captain.”

Jim smiled. Sat down on the nearest rock formation. “I’m not going with you. So kill me then. I won’t be made into a game for their enjoyment.”

The vision of his young self continued to stare at him, brows furrowed. “You-you have to cooperate.”

“Nope.”

Jim couldn’t help but smirk at the growing agitation the kid Jim was showing. He raised his own phaser and the kid’s gaze narrowed

“Your phaser doesn’t work, Captain. Remember?”

He shrugged. “Maybe it does and maybe it doesn’t. I happen to think much of what’s been going on here is some kind of illusion. Like when you cut yourself and it appeared on me. I think it’s bullshit and I think you are too. I think I’ve never left the planet I first beamed down to. _Their_ planet.”

There was a rumble and then a roar, like that of a tiger nearby.

“Captain, we’d better hurry.”

Jim began to feel a little bit uneasy. He tried to tamp it down, knowing that’s what they wanted from him. They wanted to scare him into moving, into following the kid.

“I’m staying.”

“Captain—”

Jim fired the phaser on stun at the vision of himself. The phaser beam appeared and hit the kid.

_Ah, crap._

Jim felt blackness overcome him.

****

When he woke, the sun had changed position, and he was alone. The kid was gone.

Jim groaned and sat up. He’d been stunned before but damn that one had packed a wallop.

“Captain? Jim!”

Jim rose to his knees at the familiar voice.

“Spock?”

He heard running and then Spock appeared, running from the direction of the North Side of the planet.

“Captain,” Spock exclaimed. ”Are you all right?”

Spock ran to him, grasped his arm, and helped him to stand.

“Spock. Am I glad to see you,” Jim said, sagging against his first officer in relief.

“Yes, it is fortunate that I found you.”

Jim still felt dazed. “Did you see the kid?”

“Kid?”

“Yes, a child with blond hair and blue eyes.”

Spock shook his head. “There was no one.”

“Hmm.” Jim frowned. “You didn’t come alone, did you?”

“That was not my intent. I had security and Dr. McCoy on the transporter but when it engaged, only I appeared here.” Spock glanced around. “This is a strange place. We were led to believe—”

“I was dead. Yeah, I know. It’s the inhabitants of this planet. They’re playing some game. I’m not even sure what’s real.” Jim looked at Spock. He appeared to be Spock. Perfect in every way. But even that Jim could not be sure of. They knew of Spock, the kid had told him. “See if you can get us out of here.”

Spock nodded and flipped open his communicator. “Yes, Captain. Spock to  Enterprise. I have located the captain. Two to beam up.” No response. “Spock to Enterprise.”

Jim touched his arm. He felt like Spock, solid and true. “Forget it. They obviously don’t want us to leave.” If he was Spock, he was now stuck too. “I’m sorry.”

“Captain?”

“You’re now part of this. Whatever it is.”

“So it would seem.” Spock stared into his eyes. “But I am pleased that I have found you, Jim.”

“Me too. But this is definitely fucked up.”

Spock looked around again. “Indeed. This looks nothing like the planet we originally beamed down to, Captain.”

“They’re good at illusions.” Jim sighed. “I’m not even sure you aren’t one.”

Spock arched a brow.

At least that was normal. But if they picked his brain about Spock, then they’ know that too. Damn, he was tired. And a little freaked out.

“Maybe we’d better get moving,” Jim said. “Find a way off this place.”

“Agreed.”

Jim smiled a little at Spock. “God, I don’t know whether to hope you’re real or an illusion. I don’t want you to be trapped here like me and yet, I think I need you.”

“I am real, Jim.”

His smile turned into a grimace as he squeezed Spock’s arm. “We will see.”     


	8. The Storm

Jim would like to believe that if you walked like Spock, talked like Spock, and looked like Spock, you must be Spock.

And he wished he could believe that.

But he just didn’t know what to believe, what to think. He knew the creatures here, whoever they were, could create anything. He believed that. They had created him as a boy out if whatever they’d got from his mind, his thoughts. Which creeped him out. He wondered just how they had extracted that information.

He stumbled as they walked, nearly falling on his face except that Spock seized his arm and kept him upright.

“Captain, you are exhausted. We should spend some time resting.”

Jim stopped, moistened his lips and looked around. “We can’t stop.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know what they’ll do while I am asleep,” Jim admitted.

Spock showed no reaction to that announcement. “How long since you have actually slept?”

Jim shrugged. “Here and there I get a few hours.”

“At the very least we should stop and sit in the shade for a while, Captain. You need water. Food.”

Jim did feel like he could use a break. He looked to the left and saw a felled tree trunk conveniently placed in the shade. He was a little surprise there wasn’t a picnic lunch laid out there too. But with a tiny sigh of resignation, he made his way to it and then patted the spot beside him. “Come on.”

Spock walked over and sat beside him.

For a moment, Jim studied Spock’s profile in silence. The thing was, if there was anyone in the universe Jim would want with him on a planet such as this, it would be Spock. And yet, if there was anyone he would not want with him, it was Spock. It was a conundrum. He wanted to protect Spock but also he liked the idea of Spock being on the Enterprise trying to figure out a way to save him, if it were even possible. But if anyone could figure away off this godforsaken rock, it was also Spock.

He sighed.

Spock glanced at him. “Captain?”

“How exactly did you find me?” Jim asked, trying not to make it a curt demand and knowing he had failed.

“I had become convinced that you could not be dead.”

“Why?”

Spock’s cheeks turned a very light shade of green but he did not look away. “I believe that I would have known.”

“Known?”

Spock nodded but didn’t immediately elaborate on that. Instead he said, “I instructed the Enterprise to return to the coordinates of the planet that had the seismic activity and we had been led to believe it broke up, possibly with you still on it. I expected to search other planets in the nearby area, suspecting you had been abducted from the planet before its destruction.”

“But?”

“To our surprise the planet was there, not destroyed. With conference with Mr. Chekov, Mr. Sulu, and Mr. Scott we came to the conclusion that it was some kind of illusion to trick us into leaving the area and you behind.”

Jim blew out a breath. “As I said, they appear to be very good with illusions.”

“Indeed, which is why you are doubting that I am real.”

“Yeah. Well, you say everything you should be saying, you know? It’s exactly as Spock should be but…they have this ability somehow to extract information from my mind. When I first woke up here I was confronted with a young version of myself. Eventually when I began to find their illusion suspicious they began probing my mind for something-someone else.  Or I think so. I don’t…it’s not like I feel them picking through my brain. They mentioned you. And then, here you are.”

“That is why you are reluctant to sleep.”

“Yeah.”

“Perhaps there is a way to prove myself to you.”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t see how. If they are getting you from my head you’d know exactly what I know.”

“Affirmative. But perhaps there is something I could tell you that they would not know.”

Jim scoffed. “How would I know it was true and not something they just made up to trick me?”

Spock inclined his head. “You have a point. Nyota and I broke up because of you.”

“What? Huh? You told me it was because you found her with someone else.”

“That caused the final blow, yes,” Spock agreed. “But the night before, Nyota had informed me that I was…more in love with you than I was with her. There was a severe disagreement between us during which I refused to acknowledge the truth of her words. We separated as I required meditation to reflect on my situation and the next day I went looking for Nyota to speak with her further and that was when I found her.”

Jim felt a little queasy. Was it true? Was this really Spock? And what? What was he saying?

“Okay. So…what? What did your meditation tell you? Uhura was right or that she was nuts?” Jim looked down at his hands, realized he had twisted them together in knots, so he forced them to relax. “Because I have to tell you, Spock, after your break up, you got weird.”

“I am aware. I was having difficulty coming to terms with the change in my relationship with Nyota as well as the acknowledgement that her assessment of my affection for you was quite correct.”

He frowned. “Simple words. I’m a little rattled here.”

“I realized that my feelings for you had indeed become romantic in nature but I was not ready to act on them.” Spock hesitated. “I was not certain I ever would.”

The muscle in Jim’s jaw tightened. “That certainly clears things up.”

“Your apparent demise, however, had me—”

Suddenly there was a very loud clap of thunder that made Jim jump. He looked up. Skies that had been clear only moments ago were now covered in dark, ominous clouds. A flash of lightening lit the sky.

“That’s just—”

Giant rain drops began to pelt them.

“Great. Come on, Commander. We’d better find shelter.” He scrambled off the log, grabbed Spock’s arm and began to run with Spock as yet another flash lit the sky followed by a deafening boom.


	9. Cave Dwelling

Jim turned around several times in the middle of the cave they had found shelter in. Spock watched him. Or fake Spock. Whatever he was. Whoever.

Because yeah, Jim wanted…desperately…to believe Spock was Spock. A Spock who had just told him he liked him liked him. Okay, stop it Jim. You’re an adult now.

But yeah it was so much more likely that these guys were just taking Spock from his head and giving him what he wanted. Spock in love with him.

“You are behaving strangely.”

“Isn’t it weird that this cave just happened to appear when we needed it?” Jim went to the entrance and peered out at the pounding storm. Rain, wind, lightening. He didn’t even remember this planet having that sort of weather.

“I cannot speculate with as little information as I have.”

“Of course not,” Jim muttered. “But trust me. It’s weird. I don’t know. It’s just so…planned out. They’re playing with me. Us. If you’re you.”

“For what purpose?”

“To see how we act? I think. God, I don’t know. We’re like…their entertainment. We’re the animals in the…zoo.”

Spock stepped closer. “You are pale.”

Jim shrugged and felt a shiver go down his back. “There’s something. Like a memory of something.” He shivered again. “It’s just out of reach.”

Spock reached a hand to Jim’s cheek. God, he felt real. Like Spock, like flesh and blood. And he wanted to lean into Spock, become part of him. Did he dare?

“Perhaps if we meld?” Spock’s voice was soft. “I could show you I am me. These…whatever they are…they would have knowledge of me through you but they would not know mind melds, not the way I would. Is that not correct?”

“I’ve had a meld with the other Spock, so I don’t know.”

“You will have to trust me.”

And there it was. He didn’t, couldn’t trust Spock. This Spock? Any Spock? Anyone?

He shook his head and stepped back away from Spock, sorry to see the look of disappointment that passed quickly on Spock’s face.

Jim went over to the entrance of the cave and peered out at the storm. His stomach felt tight and a little nauseous while his heart pounded so hard it hurt.

“I understand my romantic feelings are unwelcome but—”

He laughed then, a very un-humorous sound. “Even you can’t be that obtuse, Spock. I’ve loved you for…it doesn’t matter how long. But it’s been long enough. I told you they’re in my head somehow so they know that, they know in these circumstances, you’re exactly who I would want to appear in front of me, helping me, bonding with me, not in _that_ sense, but as comrades or whatever, there’s nobody I would want with me more than you, and they know—”

“Jim.” Spock turned him then to face him, his hands cupping Jim’s face, his fingers on Jim’s jaw. “Perhaps they did bring me here because you wanted me here and they were able to learn that from your mind, but I am here. I am real. And I do cherish you.”

The lips that descended on his were hot and soft and tasted just as Spock’s always did in Jim’s fantasies. Maybe better. And in spite of his thoughts to hold himself back from a possible illusion, Jim melted against Spock. He slid his hands up Spock’s forearms to his biceps and clung there. His mouth fell open on a gasp as Spock’s tongue slipped past all his defenses.

Those long, elegant fingers moved from his jaw to his cheek and spread out. There was a momentary hesitation and Jim gave a sharp nod just before he felt the gentle probe of Spock entering and then adjusting to his own mind, being together, threading together.  

_Jim._

Suddenly, as before, Jim was seeing Spock’s life, something else, something, Spock as a child, walking and talking with his father and a sehlat. Spock sitting with his mother as she told him about Earth, her home. He got a flash of sadness over Spock’s mother and he sent back his love and sympathy unsure how he even did or could.

Spock being bullied. Crying when no one could see him and then feeling shame for it.

Spock falling for Uhura and thinking she would be an appropriate mate for him and then Spock meeting and seeing Jim for the first time and…so much conflict there. How he wanted Jim but did not think he should.

A loud clap of thunder made Jim jump back and out of the meld with Spock. He glanced behind him at the entrance to the cave and a huge flash of lightening lit up the sky.

Turning back to Spock, heart in his mouth, he started at the Vulcan, eyes wide. “Spock. God. _Spock_.”

He kissed Jim again and this time Jim went willingly. This was Spock. God, it was. And he loved Jim. And sure, it changed nothing. They were still on this rock with weirdos who wanted to study them. But he was with Spock. And it would all be okay because with Spock everything was. Whether that made sense to anyone else.

Jim pulled back to breathe. “It is you.”

Spock’s lips curved very slightly. “Yes.”

“God. I love you.”

And they kissed again until Jim leaned his forehead against Spock’s.

“When we get back to the Enterprise—”

“Yes.”

Jim rubbed his thumb over Spock’s lip. “How do we do that?”

Spock hesitated. “I do not know.”

Jim sighed. “Me either. Fuck.”

“We will…figure something out.”

“You’re such a positive thinker, Spock.” Jim kissed him again. “I really want you.”

“I want you as well.”

“But…not here. Right?”

“Perhaps not.”

He pulled away and looked out. “How long is this storm going to last?”

“As long as they want it to,” Spock replied.

And Jim shivered again.


	10. The Creature

Despite his words, Spock could tell that his captain was still wary of him, even after their meld. Spock was unsure exactly what Jim had already experienced there. He knew that Jim had been faced with an illusion of himself as a boy. But how that affected him, Spock did not know.

What he did know was that he had the absolute sense that they were being watched. Closely.

The storm had not let up nor had Jim’s brooding. He stood near the edge of the entrance to the cave, arms crossed defensively in front of his chest, staring out into the pouring rain. He had gone quiet after their declarations. Once in a while he glanced over at Spock, and that was when Spock noticed the doubt remained in those blue depths.

Logically, Spock knew there was no help for it, and that Jim would learn to trust him and his affections when they were safely on the ship and not before.

Spock decided he would best serve them by observing the material the cave was made from. His tricorder did not seem to work effectively. Something on this planet seemed to block their instruments.

So he went to the opposite side of the cave from where Jim stood and began to feel the cave wall with his hands.

After a few minutes of watching him, Jim said, “What are you doing?”

“My tricorder does not work and—”

The cave wall gave way and a panel opened next to where Spock had touched. Spock arched his brow. “It appears I have found something, Captain.”

He came to stand next to me. “Obviously.” He met Spock’s gaze briefly and then looked at the opening. “What do you think?”

Spock hesitated. “I could explore this area while you remain—”

“Not a chance, Mister Spock.  I was the first one here, remember? I’m a full participant.”

Spock put his hand on Jim’s arm as he began to move forward through the opening. “Jim.”

Jim smiled a little. “Let’s go.”

Spock followed his captain into another series of caves.

“These do not look like natural cave formations, Captain.”

“Created by our captors?”

Spock nodded.

They moved cautiously around each corner, not sure what faced them around each, and with no weapons, Spock was aware of their vulnerability. And he still felt as though they were being watched, perhaps even led by their captors to behave thusly.

When Jim stopped after a while, Spock stopped too.

“These tunnels seem endless. Like we’re in some…hamster habitat or something.” Jim scowled. “This is all some game and—”

He stopped abruptly as they both heard a very slight click. They spun around in time to see a creature that resembled a humanoid with a large, bulbous head, about to go through another opening.

Jim lunged at it and seized its arm.

“Got you!”

And even as he declared it, the creature’s appearance changed to a beast with horns and sharp fangs which it used to bite Jim. He released it with a cry and it disappeared through the opening, the hole quickly closing behind it.

“Jim!” Spock grabbed the captain, examining the large, bleeding, gaping wound on his arm where the creature had bit him.

“Fuck! Damn that hurts.”

“It is possible it is poison.” Spock tore off the sleeve of Jim’s shirt to examine the bite.

But even as he stared at the wound it began to fade and disappear until there was nothing there but Jim’s unblemished arm.

“Another illusion,” Jim said in disgust. “Just to get me to let it go.”

“Perhaps.”

He walked over to the wall that had opened for the creature and pressed on it, but nothing happened. Spock looked around as Jim continued to press. 

“I doubt it will be that easy, Captain.”’

“Yeah me too. But we’ve seen them now. At least there’s that. Let’s keep moving.”

They went around a few more curves in the cave and then suddenly they were faced with a Klingon.

“Stop right there, Kirk.” He raised his disruptor.

Spock shoved Jim out of the way just as the Klingon fired, then he kicked out, knocking the Klingon to the cave floor. The Klingon lay there, unmoving.

Jim crouched down next to him. “He’s dead. What the fuck?”

Spock looked down. “Captain, does that Klingon look familiar to you?”

“No.” Jim began to shake his head but then stopped. “Wait. He was on Jarius 7. The one who attacked our landing party. And you—“

“Yes.”

Jim straightened and stood. “How?”

“I am guessing the same way they’ve learned a lot of things,” Spock said carefully.

Jim’s face twisted in a long of disgust. “Picking my brain.”

“Aye, Captain.”

“But why bring this guy? I don’t—” As he spoke, the body of the Klingon disappeared. Jim narrowed his eyes and then looked back at Spock. “Now you see exactly why I doubt you’re real.”

“I do, even if I do not like it,” Spock admitted.

Jim began to pace. “They know how I feel about you. This could be another trick. Get you to say and do exactly what I would want you to say and do. God, this is so fucked up. I’m going insane.”

Spock wanted to reassure his captain, his friend, the man he hoped to spend the rest of his life with, but there was no way to do so other than the methods he had already tried. And as Jim said, there was no reason for Jim to believe that was any more real than the creature who had bit his arm or the Klingon that had been here only moments before.

He was uncertain what he would believe if the circumstances were reversed and it was him who had been compromised.

“Well, let’s continue on.”

And even as Jim took a step forward, there was suddenly a blinding white light. Spock lifted his arm up over his eyes to shield them and then it winked out.

Jim was gone.


	11. Back to Reality?

Jim gripped the arms of his chair. His captain’s chair.

Wait. What? His _CAPTAIN’S_ chair?

He spun around in the direction of Spock’s station. A stranger stood there peering into the viewfinder. Jim struggled to think who the guy even was.

“Captain?”

Jim turned, startled, to face a red-haired yeoman who held a PADD out toward him.

“What?”

She smiled. “Your signature, sir. It’s required.”

He took it automatically. “Where’s Spock?”

“Spock, Captain?”

Sulu and Chekov, who’d had their backs to him, turned in their chairs to look at him. They looked questioning.

“Mister Spock,” Jim said, carefully. “Where is?”

“Keptin?”

Jim stood, looking at the view screen. “Where is he? We didn’t leave him on the planet, did we?”

He felt confused, in a fog, and his heart was beating a loud, painful staccato against his ribcage.  How was he here? How had he gotten there? Was he rescued? But then Spock—

“There is no planet, Captain,” Sulu said, looking worried. “We won’t reach Lorazia IV for another seventy-two hours at this warp speed. If you’d like I can—”

“Lorazia IV?”

“Yes, sir. Our orders…” Sulu spoke faintly and stopped speaking when Jim turned away, glancing once more at Spock’s station. He hit the controls on his chair. “Kirk to Spock.”

There was no response.  Jim didn’t fail to notice more and more crew from the bridge turning around to study him with varying degrees of alarm. He saw Uhura at her station, she stared at him, her mouth forming a moue.  

He headed to her, certain she would know where Spock was. “Lieutenant.”

“Captain?”

“Where is Spock?”

“Spock, sir?” Her brows furrowed. She did something on her console with one of her hands.

“Your _boyfriend_. Or…ex. I think. I’m…maybe.”

She shook her head, her earrings jingling against her face. “I don’t know anyone named Spock, Captain. And I think I’d know if I had a boyfriend.”

He blinked rapidly. “A-Vulcan, Lieutenant.”

“Vulcan? Sir, there are no Vulcans serving aboard this ship.”

“But—

“In fact, I don’t know of any serving aboard any Federation ship.”

“Half. He’s half-Vulcan. The other half is human. _Spock_ , Uhura.”

She gave him a doubtful look. “Captain, Doctor McCoy is on his way and…oh thank God. Doctor, something’s wrong with the captain.”

There was a hand on his shoulder and he was spun around to face Bones.

“Jim, now, what’s going on?”

“Spock.”

“Who’s Spock?”

Jim swallowed and shook his head. “This-this is fucked up. This is not right.”

Bones put his arm around Jim. “Come on, Jim. Come with me to the sickbay and we’ll talk about this. I don’t think you’ve quite recovered from that incident on Rigel VII. I must have released you too soon.”

“Bones, Rigel what? I don’t…”

It was then he spotted the hypospray coming toward him.

****

He woke alone in a biobed in the medbay. Bones, or who he thought was Bones, anyway, had called it sickbay, a term vaguely remembered from his early academy days. Whatever it was, Jim was there. He stared at the ceiling.

His mind was much clearer than it had been when he’d found himself in his chair on the bridge.

Somehow, whoever was on that planet, whatever creature or alien had decided to fuck with him, must have done this, must have planned this. Either he was not on the Enterprise at all and they were using his mind against him _again_ or he was back on the Enterprise and they’d somehow wiped away the memory of Spock from everyone else’s minds but his.

He sure didn’t know which was more likely because with whoever they were, Jim just couldn’t tell.

If he was on the Enterprise, he had to get back to Spock, and if he was in an illusion of the Enterprise, he had to figure out a way to break it. He turned his head to survey his surroundings. He didn’t spot anyone in his immediate visionary area.

He began to sit up but the minute he did the biobed began to shrill out several annoying alarms.

Bones appeared from around the corner. “Oh, you’re awake.”

“What the hell was all that?” Jim demanded.

“Oh, I rigged the bed so that as soon as you moved I’d know about it.”

“You…rigged the…what?”

Bones nodded and smiled. “I know you, Jim. Couldn’t take the chance you’d sneak away before I had the chance to talk to your and reexamine you. Now, how are you feeling?”

“Great. I feel great.”

“I was afraid there’d be some residual mental effects after Rigel VII but…”

“I don’t know any Rigel VII.”

“You’re in denial.”

“No, I’m not! I’ve never been to any place called Rigel VII. Bones, where is _Spock_?”

“Not that again. Okay, Jim, I’ll bite. Who is Spock supposed to be?”

“My first officer.”

“Your first officer is Gary Mitchell.”

Jim laughed. “ _Gary_? In his dreams.”

Bones eased Jim down to lie flat on the bed. “I’m taking you off duty for the next forty-eight hours. Gary’s already on the bridge.”

“Over my dead body.”

“Jim, now—”

“This isn’t real.”

Bones sighed. “I don’t want to have to do this.”

“Do what? Oh. No! Bones, don’t—”

Out came the hypospray and Bones reached for his neck. Jim shoved him hard so that Bones staggered back and Jim scrambled up from the bed.

“Chapel! Get in here. The captain needs to be restrained for his own benefit.”

Jim heard running. He rushed for the doors of the exit.

“McCoy to Security.”

The doors opened and he ran right into the chest of Gary Mitchell.

“What’s going on, Leonard?” Mitchell asked.

“Good. You stopped him. Jim, what the hell is the matter with you?” Bones came up behind him and before Jim could avoid it he felt the stab of the hypo in his neck. He sagged into Gary Mitchell’s arms.


	12. Will Not Believe

“Good. You’re awake.”

The overhead lights came into blurry view. Spock shook his head. What had happened to him? He felt as though he lay flat on his back, but, that was not possible. He did not recall being injured.

“Doctor?” he called out, recognizing the voice.

“Feel like you can sit up?”

He felt a bit…dizzy. But he said, “Yes.”

The biobed was adjusted and he was sitting up looking at Doctor McCoy.

“How do you feel?”

“Confused.”

“Not surprised. You’ve been out of it for days.”

Spock frowned slightly. “Out of it?”

“In one of those healing trances. Fortunate thing, those. We thought we’d lost you.”

But he’d been on a planet with Jim and—

“Where is—?”

McCoy smiled. “I thought you’d ask that first thing. She’s waiting. Let me get her.”

Spock’s frown deepened as a moment later, Nyota entered the room and flung herself at him, kissing him soundly.

“Spock, I was _so_ worried!” Nyota exclaimed. 

Spock patted her back as she hugged him tightly. He looked past her to McCoy. “Where is the captain?”

Nyota laughed and pulled back. “Spock. _You’re_ the captain.”

Something uneasy crawled around in Spock’s gut. “Where is Jim?”

Nyota gasped and looked wide-eyed at McCoy.

McCoy grimaced. “It’s all right. Not that unusual with head injuries. Let me re-examine him and I’ll call you when you can come back in.”

Nyota gave the doctor a watery smile, then grasped Spock’s face in her hand so that she could kiss him. “I’ll be back soon, darling.”

_Darling_? Even when they had been together, they did not use endearments with each other. Spock shook his head, more confused than ever, but Nyota disappeared from the direction she had come.

McCoy approached him with a tray of medical equipment.

“Leonard, where is Jim?” Spock asked again.

McCoy met his gaze. “Temporary amnesia is common. I’m sure everything will be fine.”

There was something a little off about the way he was speaking, but Spock could not quite put his finger on it.

“I do not have amnesia, temporary or otherwise. I wish to ascertain the whereabouts of Captain Kirk.”

McCoy sighed. “Spock, Jim died.”

“What? When?”

“He fixed the warp core and died of radiation poison. You remember.”

Spock shook his head, bile rising to his throat. “No. Khan’s blood—”

“Didn’t work. I tried _everything_ to save him. We all did. But in the end it just wasn’t enough. He didn’t make it.”

“No,” Spock denied. “That is _not_ true. This is _not_ real.  You brought Jim back with Khan’s blood. We began the five-year mission. We fought Krall on Altamid. Jim and I were on a strange planet and they separated us. Doctor—”

“Spock, you need to calm down. None of that is true.  During your healing trance you must have been dreaming or something. I’m sorry, Spock. I’d give anything for it to be true, but Jim is dead. Gone. And _you_ are captain.  Now, I’ll be right back. You stay there and remain calm. I need to get something.” McCoy eyed him. “Do you need a nurse?”

“No.”

McCoy nodded and walked away.

Spock rose from the bed, swaying as a wave of dizziness hit him. He leaned against the bulkhead. “Computer, locate Captain James Tiberius Kirk.”

“James Tiberius Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise died on—”

“No.” Spock slammed his fist on the comm hard enough to crush it.

Suddenly Nurse Chapel appeared. “Oh! Captain, you aren’t supposed to be out of bed.”

“I am not the captain!”

“Doctor McCoy!” she called out.

McCoy rushed back in holding a very large hypospray in his hands.

Spock attempted to knock it out of McCoy’s hands, but the doctor dodged out of the way, so Spock reached toward McCoy’s neck.

“Chapel, help me.”

Just as Spock lunged away, the hypo went into his neck.

****

“James Tiberius Kirk, Captain of the Enterprise died on—”

“Computer cease!”

The voice turned off. Spock glared at the PADD in his hands.

He had been left alone in the medbay after waking up from McCoy’s sedation. Or whoever or whatever was pretending to be McCoy. He did not know what sort of illusion this was, but Spock knew that it had to be. He was not on the Enterprise, Spock was sure.

Which meant that he was still on the same planet he had beamed down to in an effort to rescue his captain. Spock did not know where Jim was, but he suspected he, too, was somewhere on the planet and had never left.  

He set the PADD down on the table next to him and crept silently out of the bed. He waited a moment to listen, but it seemed that for the moment, his captors were leaving him alone in the illusion. Spock did not want to think that it likely meant they were tormenting Jim in some way.

He slipped out of the medbay, without detection. The corridor Spock found himself in was empty. Right there, Spock knew that was unlikely, as there were always crew members in every part of the ship.

He had no phaser on him, so Spock used his fist to hit the nearest wall. The wall cracked to expose a large hole and then suddenly changed to what looked like rock. He crouched down and realized that the exposed cracked hole was large enough for him to squeeze through. The gold command shirt he had been wearing in the medbay suddenly faded to be replaced with his own science blue uniform and the corridor was made up of the rock material he and Jim had discovered in the caves prior to Jim disappearing.

Spock continued winding through the caves, calling out, “Jim.”

So far there was no answer.  


	13. Talosians

Jim woke up feeling groggy and disoriented. For a moment, he thought he was in his bed on the Enterprise and he allowed himself to feel extraordinary relief. The reality slowly seeped into his sore muscles and achy bones and he realized he was staring up at the ceiling of a cave. Water dripped down at him. For a moment he just lay there in all his despair.

The only good thing was that he no longer seemed to be on an Enterprise where no one knew Spock and Gary Mitchell was his first officer. He’d take the good news where he could find it.

Finally he wiped his face of the water droplets and sat up, groaning at the stiffness in his body. He jumped a little when he spotted the young version of himself sitting nearby.

The boy stared at him, hair wild, eyes downcast, his face bruised. Jim would have recognized that look anywhere, he wore it often enough.

“He’s looking for you,” said his younger self.

“Frank?” Jim whispered.

The boy altered into Frank, big and meaty, glaring maliciously at Jim. “What you want doesn’t matter.”

“No,” Jim said firmly. “You’re not real. Frank is dead and buried.”

Suddenly he was alone again in the cave. He struggled to his feet and looked for an opening in the rock wall.

“Jim!”

Spock’s voice.

But he waited a moment. He’d been fooled before by this place and these…aliens.

“Jim?”

He felt along the wall and found a spot that gave way when he pressed on it. The wall slid open and Jim stepped through. At the end of the path stood Spock.

“Jim!” Spock rushed at him.

And maybe Jim should have been cautious, but he was just in a place where Spock didn’t exist, and that had been too much for him. He threw his arms around Spock, pulling him close, and Spock’s arms came around him, holding him very tightly, fingers curling into Jim’s upper shoulders.

“I wasn’t sure I’d ever see you again.”

“They tried to tell me you did not survive.”

Jim pulled back just slightly, but remained in Spock’s arms. “This?”

“Negative. The warp core. An illusion. I cannot accept your…”

“They tried to make me believe you were never real.”

“Here?”

Jim shook his head. “At all.”

Spock kissed him. “I am here. There is your proof.”

Jim sighed into the kiss. “You taste like a thousand suns.”

“And you taste like life.” Spock cupped his jaw. “Ashayam, we must find a way out of here and off this planet.”

“Yeah. We’ll have time for the mushy stuff later.” He smiled slightly. “Hopefully.”

“We will,” Spock vowed. “But my priority right now is to get us off this planet and to safety.”

“Mine too. Let’s go.”

Jim let loose of his hold on Spock, albeit reluctantly, and they headed down the cave path in the direction Spock had been heading.

They had been on the path, twisting and turning this way and that, for about twenty minutes, as far as Jim figured, when a movement at the end of this particular tunnel caught his eye. A humanoid with a large bulbous head was ducking through and it looked to Jim to be the same one he spotted before.    

Jim rushed forward, and as before grabbed its arm, pulling it out of the opening. It immediately began to struggle. “Oh no you don’t, you bastard.” He slung an arm around its neck and kept it there, even as it changed into the beast it had before, and then after that Bones. He held on fast. Finally the creature went back to its original form and slackened in Jim’s hold. “I’m going to release you now, but don’t try _anything_.”

The humanoid nodded slightly.

Jim let go and the creature sagged to the floor of the cave.

“Start talking.”

A hand went up to its throat. “I am…This is Talos IV and we are the Talosians.”

“What do you want with us?”

“We…seek to study weaker beings. We find attracting other species here for…”

“Amusement? Entertainment?” Jim supplied.

The Talosian looked hesitant, but nodded. “Your reactions are interesting to us. When you came upon our planet, we chose you to study as you were the leader. We probed your mind and established a scenario we thought you would be comfortable with.”

Jim frowned. “How the hell did you think I’d be comfortable with a creepy young version of myself?”

“When that amusement faded, we allowed your ship to become aware of your whereabouts once more. This Vulcan seemed to be the most important individual to you, so we thought you would be more at peace with the arrangement here if we brought you a companion.”

“This entire planet has been one big illusion.” Jim sneered. “We don’t want to be your lab rats.”

“We would give you a pleasing life here.”

“ _Pleasing_? One where Spock doesn’t exist? One where I’m dead?”

“We were attempting different scenarios to see which ones pleased each of you most.” The Talosian frowned. “We miscalculated. However, if you cooperate, we can create any life you wish. One where you spend it together, perhaps with offspring, a home of your own, paradise.”

“And all fake. No thank you.”

“I do not understand. We would provide everything for you. You would want for nothing.”

“Except freewill. And you get what out of it?”

“The ability to watch you.”

“That’s some sick voyeurism. No. Release us. Release this illusion and allow us to return to my ship.”

Suddenly two more Talosians appeared, looking startled when they saw their friend being held by Jim. The stared at each other and though they didn’t vocalize out loud, Jim got the impression they were communicating.

The one on the ground finally looked at Jim and Spock. “Very well, Captain. We will return you both to your ship.”

Jim narrowed his eyes. “No tricks.”

“No tricks. We find you…unpleasant to deal with.”

“What about others? Other ships, other species. Will you attempt to capture them too?”

The Talosian rose and went to stand with the other two. “I am certain you will advise others to avoid our planet. But whatever our destiny and yours…I return you to the Enterprise.” He waved his hand and Jim grabbed onto Spock.


	14. Home

They appeared on the transporter and as he materialized there, Jim dropped to his knees. Spock grabbed for him, to hold him upright.

Scotty manned the transporter and Bones stood nearby. As though they’d been waiting for them all along.

“There you are,” Scotty declared. “I had trouble getting your signal.”

Jim frowned. He stepped down with Spock’s help.

“Are you injured?” Bones demanded. He was already scanning Jim.

“Our signal?”

Scotty nodded. “What with the seismic activity going on down there. Sulu, Jenkins, and Friedericks were easy enough, but you and the commander.” Scotty wiped his forehead. “I thought I’d lost you.”

“Seismic…Scotty, Bones. Haven’t I been missing?”

Bones stopped scanning at him to stare. “Missing?”

He nodded. “And-and Spock came looking for me.”

“Captain, I don’t know what you’re talking about. We’ve been trying to beam you up after the earthquakes down on the surface. Like I said—”

“Spock.” He turned to his first officer, desperate for some confirmation that he hadn’t finally lost his mind completely.

“The Talosians, Captain. I am guessing they restored us to the Enterprise at a time just prior to their abduction of you.”

“Abduction? Jim, what the devil are you two going on about?”

He lost all strength in his limbs, giving in to his exhaustion. He sagged against Spock.

“Perhaps it would be best to get the captain to the medbay, doctor.”

****

“Well?” Jim asked, wearily. He sat on a biobed after going through a series of tests Bones had put him through. Across the medbay was Spock, also on a biobed, being examined by M’Benga. Uhura stood with him, frequently hugging Spock and rubbing his arm.

Bones followed his gaze. “They aren’t a couple anymore.”

“I know.”

“As for your exam, yeah. You’ve definitely been somewhere. You haven’t slept properly in days, your vitals are everywhere, your nutrition is down. Your mental strain—”

“They got into my head.”

“Yeah, your brain scan shows that. Jesus, Jim. What kind of powerful beings were they?”

“Fucked up kind. They played games…God, Bones, even now it’s really hard to believe you’re real.” Exhaustion made tears prick in his eyes. “I want to sleep for twenty days. I’m so wiped out. But I’d settle for eight hours.”

“You’re going to get forty-eight. I can give you a sedative if you think you’ll have trouble.”

“I don’t think I will.”

“Physically there’s no permanent damage. Nothing some food and rest won’t cure. We’ll recheck your brain scans in a couple of days.”

“If you’re done, can I go to my quarters?”

“Yeah. I’ll check in with you later there.” Bones looked toward Spock. “What happened with him?”

“Pretty sure we declared our undying love for each other.”

“Yeah?”

Jim smiled faintly. “Something close to it anyway. That part is real.”

“It’s about time, is all I have to say. I’ve known longer than you how you feel about Spock. If you guys have finally worked that out between you, I couldn’t be more thrilled.”

“You thrilled, Bones?”

Bones put his hand on Jim’s shoulder and squeezed. “What I want more than anything for you, Jim, is for you to be happy. If the hobgoblin makes you happy, then yes, I’m thrilled.”

Jim smiled again. “Thanks, Bones. I only hope you’re real.”

Bones hugged him. “I’m real, kid. I promise.”

When Bones released him, he scooted off the biobed and to the floor. Immediately he wobbled.

Bones frowned. “Do I need to have you carried there?”

“No. I can make it. I have to talk to Starfleet too.” He shook his head. “Make sure they make Talos IV off limits. At least to Federation planets. Then I’m going to take a shower—”

“You were already put through decontamination.”

“I know. Another reason for the shower. And then I’m going to go to sleep for as long as my body will let me.”

“Eat.”

“When I wake up. An eighteen course meal. Trust me.”

Once Jim made it to his quarters, he contacted Starfleet to let them know everything he and Spock had been through and all about Talos IV. He sent them the findings from medical too. Admiral Barker promised they’d be in touch and advised Jim to get the rest he obviously so desperately needed.

He had just disconnected when his door chimed.

“Come.”

Somehow he’d guessed who it would be.

“Spock.”

“How did I know you would not yet be in bed?”

“Duty first. And I sat down and now I can’t seem to make myself get up and into the shower.”

“I will help you.” Spock came to him then and drew him up from behind the desk and into his arms.

“I’m scared, Spock.” He felt Spock stiffen and winced. “Sorry. Sorry. I didn’t mean to remind us both of that. It’s just…how do I know if this is real or more tricks? I’m a little freaked.”

“It is real. I am real, ashal-veh.”

“What’s that?”

“Darling.”

He closed his eyes. “I’ve never been anyone’s ashal-veh before.”

“Come.” Spock lifted him up and into his arms and carried him into the bathroom. He put Jim down and began to undress him.

When Spock began to undress himself, Jim yawned. “As much as I want to, I can’t get involved in hanky-panky right now.”

“I am not after hanky-panky, Jim.” Spock paused. “Not until after we’ve both recovered.”

They got into the shower, both of them, in water, no less, and Jim found it to be glorious. He had never been bathed by another, well, he guessed besides his mamma when he was a kid, but he found the experience to be very comforting and loving.

Afterward, Spock helped him get dressed and into bed, with Spock just redressing in his uniform.

Jim woke later, he didn’t have any idea how long he’d slept, and for a moment he just basked in the fact he was still in his quarters and he felt…normal. He turned his head and saw that Spock sat in a chair nearby.

“Hey.”

“Good morning, Jim.”

“How long have I been out?”

“Twelve hours.”

Jim blinked. “Wow. You haven’t been here this whole time, have you?”

“Yes. I wanted to ensure that your rest would be undisturbed by anyone or anything.”

Jim’s heart swelled. “Come here.”

Spock rose and went to the bed, lying beside Jim, Spock on top of the covers while Jim remained inside a cocoon. He touched his fingers to Jim’s face, a caress not a meld.   

“We’re going to be okay, right?” Jim whispered.

“I believe so.”

“I love you. With everything that’s happened, I don’t want you to miss that.”

“I feel the same. I love you. More than I ever thought it possible to feel such emotion.”

“When I first knew I loved you, I never…well, it wasn’t going to get me anywhere. You were with Uhura and I never even examined the possibility of that one day not being the case.”

“When I loved you, when I knew, there was no possibility I could stay with Nyota. Nor did she wish to stay with me. We’d been drifting apart in so many ways for longer than either of us cared to analyze. The situation on our shore leave when she chose to be with another was the culmination of it all and not the cause of the discord between us.”

Jim shook his head. “You both surprised me there. Not going to lie. But even then, the possibility of us, you didn’t feel that way.”

“I did. I do. You are my heart, my life.”

“I want us to love each other. In every way,” Jim admitted. “But God, I’m still tired. And I’m hungry. And anxious and—”

“Jim. Ashal-veh.” Spock touched his fingers to Jim’s lips. “We will have the time for that and everything we want and more. Our lives, now, will forever be entwined.”

“I love the sound of that. I think it’s going to be a while before I stop freaking out though. They really did a number on me.”

“I know. And I will be here to reassure you. Always.”

Spock leaned in and captured Jim’s lips.

Jim smiled. “Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap on this fiction which started as a Valentine story in 2018. *shakes head at self* Feels good to have this little warped story finished, and it's my second story finished in the last week, so go me. 
> 
> Here I will leave you with the last paragraph I wanted to end this story with, but thought I would be kind. But in case, you want to know how twisted I really am, here is the ending I held back. 
> 
> "The pale hand on the glass slid down the enclosure, leaving moisture marks where it trailed. With a satisfied nod, the Talosian departed for now, already planning when he would return for more observation."


End file.
